It is time for “If Airlines Sold Paint” again……. I’m not happy

I’ve been in this industry for 30 years, so nothing should surprise me. But this morning, I am downright angry at Delta. Perhaps it is unfair to single them out, because I suspect that others have policies that are just as insane, but nevertheless I feel honor bound to rant this morning and this is just enough to get me to switch airlines, just on principle.

I had used SkyMiles to buy my ticket to PhoCusWright next week. So far so good. Then I had to rearrange my schedule to go to a meeting in Chicago on Monday. I saw that DL was going to charge me $100 to redeposit my SkyMiles and then over $200 to purchase a new ticket using SkyMiles (I won’t even get into why this is SO wrong on so many levels). Anyway, since I wasn’t sure at the time that the flights that I needed would even be available for the number of SkyMiles I have left, I made the decision to go ahead and buy the TPA/ORD/LAX ticket and then just use the return from the SkyMiles ticket. Silly me…… I’ve known about Delta’s “married segment” rule for well over 10 years, so I cannot account for my lapse of memory at that given moment. For those of you that don’t understand that little rule, if I had not shown up for the 7am flight on Monday to LA, they would have cancelled my return, EVEN though I purchased a $600 ticket to replace the “FREE” (well not so free as you will see) segment.

So today I called, just to cancel the outbound on the SkyMiles ticket, as I wouldn’t be needing it. And you guessed it, they are charging me $100 for NOT using that segment. Nevermind, I already paid $100 for redeeming my SkyMiles which were originally intended to allow me to travel FREE….. argh.

So for those of you who haven’t seen the original “If Airlines Sold Paint” story, here it is. It has actually gotten much more absurd than Alan’s original 1998 version, but here it is.

[ By Alan H. Hess.  Originally published in Travel Weekly, October 1998. ]
[ (c) 1998. Reproduced with the permission of the author. ]

** Buying paint from a hardware store **

Customer: Hi, how much is your interior flat latex paint in Bone White?

Clerk: We have a medium quality, which is $16 a gallon, and premium,
which is $22 a gallon. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: I'll take five gallons of the medium quality, please.

Clerk: That will be $80 plus tax.

** Buying paint from an airline **

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a
gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you
intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree
to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting
until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check
to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You
have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It
may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on
any given week. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of
times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the
same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your
purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should
buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then
don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible
confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your
kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting
before you do the bedroom, you will violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it mater to your whether I use all the paint?
I already paid for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it
is. We make plans upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and
when you don't, it just causes us all kinds of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules.

Traveling by car is looking better and better and better……. if LA weren’t so far away, I’d do it in a heartbeat, particularly with gas nearing $2 per gallon.

Chicke Fitzgerald

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